What I Want to Remember

What I want to remember from Wednesday

Tucking in my baby’s feet with his monkey quilt Grandma Sonja and Grandpa Kitchener made for him. Normally, I just lay him down and place the blanket on top of him. But this time, I tucked in around his feet and he gave me the sweetest smile as if to say, “Thanks, Mom.”

Playing and giggling with my baby as he finished up his supper in his high chair. He had gotten a little slap-happy, and we began putting our foreheads together in a bout of silliness and this just made him (and me) laugh and laugh and giggle and giggle, until Daddy had to come over and ask us to go upstairs because he was on a work call. Afterward, Jordan said how much he loved seeing us do that and was sad to ask us to stop.

What I want to remember from this week

Was it Wednesday? Or some other day? I guess it doesn’t matter much. What matters is the memory. Miles and I read “Where the Wild Things Are” together in his room. We started reading it in his tepee tent (a favorite tradition of his and mine) but then finished reading it (for the second time or so) outside the tent probably because we had gotten so into the book. As I read, I showed Miles how to “roar a terrible roar,” “gnash his terrible teeth,” “roll his terrible eyes,” and “show his terrible claws.” During the “wild rumpus” part of the book that has only pictures, I made up sounds and songs and tried to show him how to be a wild thing having a wild rumpus. :) He looved it and he tried to follow me with the different actions and sounds. He smiled and we had a hoot-hollering good time. I looved it too. :)

What I want to remember from this morning

This morning, Miles woke up a good while earlier than normal. I worried he was really hungry because he didn’t nurse quite as much as he normally does before bed. So I took him to bed around 4:15 a.m. and nursed him back to sleep. He slept with us after that for about the next three hours, nursing on and off during that time. I know it goes against our sleep training and I hope it doesn’t have negative repercussions. I was trying to do right by Miles. But one thing that was so, so special and dear to me was when during that time, he stopped nursing and I rolled him over to the other side of me where I just cradled him in my arms as we lay side by side. His little cheek was nestled on the soft pillow of my chest and his little fingers had grasped the edge of my top. It was such a moment of bliss complete and I just inhaled it all in with a warm smile on my face and in my heart.

Later this morning, Jordan got out of bed to start his day while Miles was nursing. Immediately Miles stopped, looked for dad, and saw him leave the room. He started calling, “Dada, Dada, Dada, Dada” over and over and over again, crawling to the opposite side of the bed and then sliding off. Continuing to call for Dad, hoping for a response but getting none because Jordan couldn’t hear him, he walked right out of the room in the dark to the hallway bathroom where Dada had gone. What a sweet thing to watch as he loved his Daddy so and his Daddy loved him so, at the delight and surprise Jordan had of his little boy opening the bathroom door to find Dada.

Even later…Jordan got to go to work fairly late this morning, which meant Miles got to spend a good amount of time with him, more than usual for a Friday morning. And he was just Jordan’s little buddy and pal, constantly wanting to be near him. Saying his name many times over. And playing and wrestling and giggling with Dad until he started to come running to Mommy for a rescue of respite. :) But even so, he wanted to continue to play, even though he kind of needed a break from Daddy’s beyond fun chase—MIles’ favorite game.

Then it was time for Daddy to leave, so we kissed and hugged and saw him to the door, where we waved goodbye. Miles cried and called for Dada, not wanting him to leave or wanting to go with him. Such an endearing thing.

What I want to remember from this week (2)

Or was it last week? “Time is all around except inside my clock.” Miles has begun to really recognize Jesus and call Him by name. When he sees a picture of him, he says his name and starts to sing. He did this for the first time the other day while eating breakfast, sitting in his high chair. He saw a new-to-him picture of Jesus on the wall I had just put up and he said, “Jee, Jee” (or perhaps it’s more like, “Dgee dgee”:)) and he then started singing his gentle, sweet baby notes, repeating, “Jee, Jee” throughout it. It was so tender and touching, my heart was glowing. I said things back to him like, “Yes, good job, Miles. Good job! That’s Jesus! Are you singing about Jesus? That’s so good, Miles. I love it. Yes. It’s so beautiful.” Miles has continued to sing about Jesus whenever he notices His picture this week. Jordan and I love it. It’s the most tender and sweet thing.

What I want to remember from lately

Miles has begun to pray with us. He knows when we say, “pray” or “prayer” that means to fold arms. We taught him this not too long ago and of course, being the fast, fast learner he is, he picked up on it right away. Sometimes when he notices Jordan or me folding our arms, even though we aren’t praying, he starts folding his arms too. At first he just kinda grabbed one of his forearms with his other hand and it was so, so cute to see his little effort, his little half fold. Another very tender and sweet thing. Then, just on Wednesday, he started to do more of a full fold with both of his arms. He’s getting so big and growing up so fast.

What I want to remember from last night

Speaking of growing up and getting big, last night my Miles crawled up onto the couch for the very first time! He lifted his little leg and was trying to get up, saying, “bup, pup, bup” (for “up”) to get us to pick him up like he does to put him on the couch with us. But then Jordan started encouraging him to get up by himself, and it was only a few seconds later when Miles did it! We couldn’t believe it! So proud! So bittersweet watching him grow and become every day, every hour, every minute. I love it and it fills me with joy, but then it fills my heart with nostalgia and I feel like I’m grasping at the remaining straws of his babyhood, trying not to let them slip through my fingers. Last night after Miles went to bed, Jordan and I got caught up looking at old photos and videos of Miles when he was much younger and much smaller. Oh, how it made me miss my little, newborn baby. And how it made me miss my now-baby and want to go pick him up out of his crib and bring him to bed with us to snuggle.

What I need to remember

There are so many moments each day of precious living, of watching Miles discover the world, of feeling his tender love. Moments that started the moment he was born. I’ve wanted to record them all. But very few have I written down. I started today. But there will be many moments missed, never documented from the past and from our future. It kills me inside to think I might lose a moment, lose a memory. But what I need to remember is that it’s okay for some things to go unrecorded, undocumented, unfilmed, uncaptured. It’s okay to, as Mary did, “Keep these things within my heart.” Perhaps to live these things within my heart. Maybe it’s most times that I do this and just live and be in the present moment and soak it up and live and love it and feel it for what it is right then while it is happening. Maybe that is what is called living. Seeing all the preciousness around you and feeling it, feeling the gratitude for it. Deep joy and deep gratitude for the deep preciousness of life.

Permission

It’s January 1, 2021. And my gift to myself this year is this. Allowing myself time and space to write. To be. Furthermore, I’m giving myself not only permission to journal but also permission to be imperfect in my writing. I think what so often has stopped me from journaling or writing in the past is feeling that the words, the grammar, the style, the message, the photos, the everything has to be perfect or at least nearly perfect. But I’m done with that. I’m hanging up my please-others perfectionistic hat. It’s okay if I mess up my grammar; it’s okay if I fail to inspire; it’s okay if the only one who understands what I’ve written is me; it’s okay if I’m the only one who sees what I write; it’s okay if I don’t post the most perfect photos to go along with my words; it’s okay if some thoughts aren’t completed, some memories are never documented, and some thoughts never shared. Because a little something is better than nothing. And a little something is what I need so badly. I’ve needed it for so long. It’s almost as if I’ve been living with only one lung for too many years to count. A writer needs to write and if they don’t, it’s like a constant gnawing at the back of the mind and deep within the heart, and even further within the soul. So this year I’m giving myself permission to write and permission to be imperfect. I’m even giving myself permission to be happy.

Sun Seeker

Sun Seeker by Allie Crafton
Hello Gatekeeper
I am the Sun Seeker
Pining my way through the trail
And if I owned a penny
oh a pretty penny
I’d give it not you
but a well
A well made for wishing
Who’d cherish her hope
Letting her glimmer through time
Her thought it would smoke
Through your chains and your rope
High to the mountains it’d climb
Til’ Sun it would kiss
The burning a bliss
Fullfilled
As when making a rhyme
Goodbye Gatekeeper 
No longer you keep
Me without the walls
For my soul tore them down
And made life out of a skip
And a crown~*

A Bit of My Poetry~*

I glanced up 


and my glitter caught the moon.
Gazing at the crescent stilled sway 
among the nimbus clouds dark.
Baking a warm cheese rustica inside of me.
It called out to my heart, my being-
It grasped, reached, pulled at my soul-
Saute'ing up my memories spicy, salty. 
I looked, saw
it cradling my heart and passion.

Thank you Lord for the moon.


Tonight we lived

togetherness made
love overcame
celestial joy nearly touched

hearts felt what daily God feels
Truth wrought
happiness beamed and brought
from the table 
to the dance 
From the song 
to the embrace 

In a picture of time
we understood 
clarity rang
eyes saw 
miracle
in the ones 
we love





Wind gives me strength.  

Cold air gives me breath.  
Looking at the two, with different eyes, 
Feeling them with different arms, face, hands, 
I feel and see a beauty. 
Oh! The cleaning of my lungs! 
My muscles brace up,
My hair untangles,  
My body yearns to fly! 
Embracing the wind.  
Embracing the cold. 
Gifts from God. 
I look into them and find myself Pristine and blooming.


Longer fingers, Longer toes
determined to have a looser ring
lifted cheek, jaw, collar bones




Inspiration dry
Help search
My heart in such tangles
And you
My comb...
But up and left
for my heart only to unravel
and then
jumble muddle snarl knot
back to where it was
before you rearranged
it and found my center
But you left
with no feeling yes
And dancing eyelashes
blinking to the
tear drop quiver
Were the only story I could write

And now my mind in want of saving
The sense of you
Beyond my reaching
I saw myself giving up
Skin turning hard
Fencing in my heart
and all i want is a new start

So i tried with
Me Inside To Catch Heart
but yes was no once
more and it was then
I realized my missing
was me

I've Got Troubles...But Not Today




What is in my heart tonight? Hmmm...that life is good, even though sometimes you may feel like it's turning its back on you. We all have been through really hard things. I'm sure every one has asked at some point in their life, "Why me? Why is this happening to me?" But there is always an answer waiting for you at the end of the long road of trouble. And it is all made clear to you at the end of your struggle. You see, there will always be hardships, heartbreaks, disappointments, and failures in life, and we need to come face to face with this fact and accept it, and then choose to be happy. Don't let the little things get you down. The big things may wear on you, but have faith that in the end your pain will be worth its hurt, and it will make sense and be healed one day. Happiness truly is a choice, it's not a luck, chance, or an effect. We can either decide to see the gloom behind our clouds or the beauty within their sublimity.
~~*